Procrastination is a very long word

Finding any time for anything seems to be a struggle these days. A case in point is this blog.

With all the will (but none of the skill) I set myself down this electronic furrow, hoping to unburden myself (not in a dirty way), and perhaps give others an insight into my own murky mind. Why anyone would want to look is their own problem – people like peering at traffic accidents as they drive past on the motorway, so why shouldn’t they stop and stare at my own personal car crashes? It’s not necessary unhealthy or wrong to do that – it reaffirms how not messed up we are. Maybe.

But finding time is the problem. What with the huge amounts of procrastinating I have to fit into a normal day, there never seems to be a spare second. Endeavour avoidance is a real addiction – difficult to shake, expensive (you never get round to produce anything worth paying for) and if like me you sit on your bottom all day, eventually fatal. But thanks to a conscience that gives me endless guilt-based nightmares, here is another blind stab into the internet, with some of the musings of one of the world most self-absorbed, self-depreciating narcissists.

So what’s new? Well, we got our glorious leader to sign some copies of issue 1 (he’s ever so good at it – it would have crippled me, plus my signature is worthless – visit the shop for details ), issue 5 is gathering a head of steam, getting towards that crucial time when the metaphor hits the other metaphor. It waits like a beast in the darkness of the near future, ready to tear my mind into easily digestible chunks.

We will see if I can manage to survive this one, won’t we?

Somebody stopped me and Alan in the street the other day to congratulate us on the magazine, which was nice. Everybody on the whole seems very positive. We get some lovely emails from all over the place, saying nice things. It’s difficult for me to understand complements – I’m just not built that way. Alan of course deserves them for what he’s done, but I don’t. I’m just some guy. I always look on the dark side – I don’t mean any harm by it, and please don’t take offence if I inadvertently rain hot piss on your parade from my misery tower. One day I’ll cheer the flip up. I mean, at the moment my life seems pretty cool from an outsider’s point of view, but there they are, the beasts waiting in the dark. Some of them I know, but there are always newcomers. Waiting, always waiting….

I’m going to the dentist today. You can’t tell, can you?

Published in: on July 19, 2010 at 8:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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Birth Pains

It’s that time again – the new issue of Dodgem Logic has arrived.

At every step, from the rigorous (and sometimes painful) conception, to the final push, and the eventual flowering of the magazine from pure idea to physical reality – all that has gone before never really prepares me for the complex emotions that engulf me upon its arrival. All at once I am relieved, exhausted (you try and unload 3 pallets of magazines on nothing but a hot cross bun), daunted at the thought of bringing this great tome to the attention of the world, and angry. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s lack of sleep, perhaps it’s just who I am at the moment. But I’m angry. Mostly at myself, but also angry with the magazine. “But why?” I hear no one ask. Well, if you’ve happened upon this self-pitting, self indulgent slew of sentences, you have the opportunity to find out.

It’s a funny relationship I have with each new edition. The process of producing the thing always puts me through the emotional wringer, and part of me hates it for doing that, even though it is merely an object. Perhaps if I didn’t care a jot about the thing it would put pay to any resentment, and I could get on with what I laughably call my life in a more professional manner – but I do care. It takes me a while to adjust, and to fall back in love with the magazine again. You need time to forget all the heartache, the late nights living on energy drinks, greasy pastry parcels and adrenaline. Then there are the passionate discussions, the despair, the short-lived triumphs (just to lull you into a more vulnerable optimistic state, so the trough that you are plunged into seems all that more bottomless) – followed by the relief of finishing the thing. It’s done, it’s done – get on with the next one.

I wouldn’t be involved with the magazine unless I loved it, but even in loving relationships it takes a while for one to forgive the indiscretions of the other. Don’t think that I am not totally behind it – it will just take some time to forgive and forget.

I’m sure it will get easier, but there is always some new unimagined horror, ready to appear over the horizon. You can never know what to expect – that’s Dodgem Logic for you!

I’m in love with it again now. That didn’t take long, did it?

Let’s do it again – let’s have another one!

Published in: on June 16, 2010 at 3:46 pm  Comments (4)  
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