It’s that time again – the new issue of Dodgem Logic has arrived.
At every step, from the rigorous (and sometimes painful) conception, to the final push, and the eventual flowering of the magazine from pure idea to physical reality – all that has gone before never really prepares me for the complex emotions that engulf me upon its arrival. All at once I am relieved, exhausted (you try and unload 3 pallets of magazines on nothing but a hot cross bun), daunted at the thought of bringing this great tome to the attention of the world, and angry. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s lack of sleep, perhaps it’s just who I am at the moment. But I’m angry. Mostly at myself, but also angry with the magazine. “But why?” I hear no one ask. Well, if you’ve happened upon this self-pitting, self indulgent slew of sentences, you have the opportunity to find out.
It’s a funny relationship I have with each new edition. The process of producing the thing always puts me through the emotional wringer, and part of me hates it for doing that, even though it is merely an object. Perhaps if I didn’t care a jot about the thing it would put pay to any resentment, and I could get on with what I laughably call my life in a more professional manner – but I do care. It takes me a while to adjust, and to fall back in love with the magazine again. You need time to forget all the heartache, the late nights living on energy drinks, greasy pastry parcels and adrenaline. Then there are the passionate discussions, the despair, the short-lived triumphs (just to lull you into a more vulnerable optimistic state, so the trough that you are plunged into seems all that more bottomless) – followed by the relief of finishing the thing. It’s done, it’s done – get on with the next one.
I wouldn’t be involved with the magazine unless I loved it, but even in loving relationships it takes a while for one to forgive the indiscretions of the other. Don’t think that I am not totally behind it – it will just take some time to forgive and forget.
I’m sure it will get easier, but there is always some new unimagined horror, ready to appear over the horizon. You can never know what to expect – that’s Dodgem Logic for you!
I’m in love with it again now. That didn’t take long, did it?
Let’s do it again – let’s have another one!